She’s My Drug of Choice- My first blog “more like an article” entry

img_2188Someone once told me ” It’s like when she’s gone, you’re coming off of a high”.

That person was right about that. My daughter is my drug. When I’m with her I take an over dose of every moment, every second of being loved, being a parent, being a mother. From the moment when she falls asleep on my lap for a nap, or the smell of her stinky feet when she takes her shoes off to watch tv, even the snarky things that she says and my most favorite of all the way she always finds a way to make me laugh! Oh and wait, the best is when she says ” Mom, stop singing…(mean streak on her face) because I know all of the words to Bad Blood, watch me sing it Mommy! ” I wish that I could bottle up these memories bury them in the ground in a capsule so that they could last for ever.
It’s pretty selfish I’d say BUT…. Nothing’s ever felt so amazing in my life. Absolutely, nothing. Being a Mom.
So, yeah….when I see her run off to go with her Dad on his weekend. Sure, it’s like I ran out of crack, or heroine or someone just took away my supply and locked me in a half way house.
All these questions run through my mind.
Mostly, while I’m dreaming or having a nightmare really… “Is she crying for me in the middle of the night, or am I just hearing something?” It’s like a mini detox of the happiest of distractors leaving my body and now I have to absolutely focus on myself.
Wait what? Focus on me? Find balance?
How and the hell am I going to do the things that I love without my fix. And where in the world am I going to find the strength to persevere?
Ya just do it.
I thought long and hard about my first blog. Am I a good writer? What the hell am I going to write about? I want to say so many things. Will I offend someone? Can I help someone with my words? Will my point get across?
All I know is, is if I can start finishing that book I haven’t released, or start finishing that song I haven’t finished or start walking out the door on time to make it to that damn yoga class that I’ve been really wanting to go to because I know it will help? All these things had the same thing in common, starting.

I remember reading this the other day it was something kinda like this: “It seemed as if the difference between people who succeeded and people who failed was as simple as the people who failed often never got started. They stayed in their head and waited for things to be right. The people who succeeded got started before they were ready and adjusted along the way.”

So, here’s my first attempt at starting to do something I’ve been really wanting to do while I enter into my world of rehab every week without my child. I started to really search deep and think about what really makes my soul happy? Because lord only knows it’s stripped away the second she leaves. How do I bounce back and love myself without all of the distractions of not having to focus on me?
Let’s be real for a moment, we all have distractors in our lives wether it be our children, lovers, or a job…. when we stop for a moment or it’s gone for that moment how do you handle it when it’s gone? I know the answer is out there so I’m writing this blog.

“Starting” ugh big sigh….. while I sip my wine. So, I’m an introvert most of the time really, and trust me getting a bottle of wine and locking my self up for a night with a Netflix movie and my favorite blanket is a beautiful world to me. It’s one of my wonderful ways I found to relax. But, it’s also another distraction of all the work I know that I have left to do on myself to be the greatest version of myself for my daughter when she returns and how I can be there for her in good health, good spirits and feel like I can handle being super mom when she gets back! I mean I’m still in Mom mode (I’m gonna use that word for worry freak) even when she’s with her dad…
It’s a job and quite frankly I don’t care what anyone says about that. Wether you work 9-5’s, barely get to tuck your kids in bed to sleep at night, or the stay at home moms trying to gain back their identity. But, it’s what you do around that time when your drug supply is gone… What is it that you do to feed your soul and bounce back and find balance in your life?

I want to know….. because the answer is out there. Im sure it will lead to my next idea to which I can write about?! I’m sure it’s a different thing for everyone.
What feeds your soul as happy as being a parent? Because being a Mom is my drug of choice. And I’m proud of it.

I want to leave you with this message. I think we should all do what makes our souls happy, just do that. If you don’t do what you love then, what’s the point right? The hardest part is the “doing” part. – Jensoulhappy

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